EMOTIONAL STRENGTH*
17.07.22
*I know that someone is saying "give me the strength to read this email!" ;)
But seriously, I decided to completely re-write this after a seriously challenging day yesterday where I had to use all my resources to pull myself together! It made me think more about what I thought you would find most helpful, so here it is.
THE PROBLEM
The idea of feeling your feelings and learning to identify, acknowledge, and process your emotions, is easier said than done.
I used to think I totally felt my feelings. I was super emotional, full of highs and lows, quite dramatic, lots of tears – of course I felt my feelings! But when I started to understand how to approach feelings through coaching, I realised I was far from it (my buffering was one of the symptoms, my very apparent irrationality another).
A feeling is a vibration and sensation in your body that comes in waves and generally lasts about 90 seconds. It can feel longer than this as you continue to have the thought that's creating the feeling *but* the feeling itself comes in these short waves.
It doesn’t have any ability to make us do anything despite how powerful it feels. What makes us want to escape or do something about it is the uncomfortable sensation it creates in our body – the tightness in our chest, the constriction in our throat, the knot in our stomach.
Those reactions are primal. Our brains perceive a threat and generally think something is wrong. It thinks we need to steer away from it so that we can stay safe and conserve energy.
We tend to push the emotion back down by dulling it with buffering (some sort of alternative dopamine release) and in doing so, create associations in our brains between our emotions (as something to get rid of) and what we want to buffer them away with (which will reappear as strong urges in similar moments).
This means you have the negative side-effects of whatever you buffer with (eating or drinking more than you wanted, spending more than you have, watching TV instead of doing what you said you were going to do), and you often stop taking the action of working towards your goals.
From weight loss, to career pursuits, to how you show up in your relationships and roles. When you feel a negative emotion about something and you tell yourself it's somehow wrong, you often take action that moves you further from your goals.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
If you think about the think > feel > act cycle, we know that our thoughts create our feelings, and it’s these feelings that drive us to our actions. Those actions are either going to move you closer or further from your goals.
But what we can do is stop the thinking cycle at the feeling. We can interrupt it.
We can decide to fully feel our feelings and learn to process them without making it mean that something is wrong. We can decide not to take all the actions our brain is unhelpfully suggesting to us in the moment.
Instead, we tell ourselves it's normal. That it's all part of the human experience and that we can still show up as we had originally wanted. We can do the things we had planned to do, regardless of the negative emotion we're feeling in that moment.
The action won't feel as good as normal, especially without any buffering involved, but we accept that it's still OK. We know the long-term value of carrying on means we'll reach our goals as we had planned to, and that's really the objective.
Here's how to do it!
IDENTIFY > ACKNOWLEDGE > DECIDE.
1. Identify what emotion you're feeling (sadness/ anger/ shame/ resentment etc).
2. Fully acknowledge it's there, and how it feels in your body. What sensations do you have, how intense is it, how long is it lasting?
Try to understand the thought that might be causing it. You might have several. Write them all down if you can.
3. Notice what your brain wants you to do with that emotion (like ruminate or buffer).
4. Intentionally decide to let it be there so that it can eventually move through you.
Say hello to it. Remind yourself it's perfectly normal and OK for you to feel however you do. Don't attach more emotion to the feeling itself i.e. don't feel ashamed of the anger you feel. Let the sensations be there in their entirety rather than distract yourself.
5. Decide to ignore the actions you want to take in response to that negative emotion, and remind yourself of the actions that are more aligned with your goals. Do them despite it feeling more challenging than usual.
In acknowledging the emotion and telling your brain it's all OK, it gives perspective and space to process what you're feeling.
And you're far less likely to buffer as you accept that the uncomfortable feeling in your body isn't a problem.
Feeling discomfort doesn't mean you have to escape it. That's where magic happens.
In doing this, you create a level of processing which, whilst feeling quite rubbish in the moment, will lead to longterm congruity and momentum towards your goals.
TRY THIS EXERCISE...
You want to build a practice of being able to identify > acknowledge > decide with relative ease.
Start to connect with what typical emotions like sadness, happiness, anger, shame, boredom (for example) feel like in your body.
You can do this by writing down on paper how they feel in your body, their intensity, the sensation of them (negative emotions generally feel tight, heavy, constrictive, while positive emotions generally feel lighter, throughout the whole body, almost energetic). Imagine how you would describe them to someone else and write that down.
Think about when they last showed up and write about that experience.
What do you notice? What can you learn?
Can you imagine taking action towards your goals despite feeling negative emotions? Why or why not?
_______
I deeply believe this work is the foundation to solving buffering and reaching your goals (and so many other things). Give it a go and book a consultation with me if you want to explore any areas where you're getting stuck.
_______
Thank you for reading. I love sharing this with you.
I'll see you next week for all things buffering.
Love,
Sally x
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
03.07.22
A couple of weeks ago we spoke about manuals. As you begin to bring awareness to the manuals you have for the relationships in your life, you can start to also introduce this concept of unconditional love. It's my absolute fave!
WHAT IS IT?
The idea of unconditional love is about approaching your relationships with absolute love and without condition. It sounds obvious - it sort of is - but it's also everything.
When you're able to drop the manuals you have for the people in your life, you stop thinking about what they should and shouldn't do. You stop making it mean so much about you or how loved you are, and you create space for something else. And from there, you can choose to act with love regardless of what they do (or don't do). And in making that choice and taking that decision, you regain your power and get to use it in a way that feels so much better.
It's not about making everything "perfect" -- you can find things annoying *and* still choose to respond with love because it feels better in your body and mind, and lifts the veil to other possibilities. You're not stuck in manuals, there's space for other things. Fewer arguments by default, more space for everyone to be their authentic selves.
It's a gift you can give yourself to make your life feel more fluid and nimble. Like after a good yoga session. And it's helpful to think about it like that - something you practice.
WHY WOULD I DO THIS?!
Why do I have to show up with love if the other person is clearly not?
Quite simply, love feels good. Actually, it feels great! It's a sensation in your body that's lifting and full of possibility. It feels way better then the frustration or disappointment we experience when someone doesn't do exactly as we want and we make it mean all this rubbish about ourselves. From there, we feel like rubbish and we don't create what we really want in our relationships.
When we do that, we're giving our power to the other person and what they do (or don't do). It'll be a constant struggle that will feel controlling and angsty. When I've done that, my relationships have just got worse over the years. The well gets deeper for all the evidence I've created against the other person, and ultimately, against myself. It got harder to see my way out of it and I buffered more to cope with the sadness, anger, and resignation I felt.
Choosing unconditional love doesn't mean letting things that you truly don't like or agree with slide. You implement boundaries. It means you're open-minded to their unique perspective, approach, and intention, which is an amazing way to show up (not only for yourself, but for the other person too).
When you're doing anything from a place of unconditional love, it feels better *and* the other person receives a better you (and generally responds better to you!). You think differently, feel differently, speak differently, and act differently. The result is totally different to what's created when you're trying to somehow make the other person feel your anger or frustration.
It's especially powerful in familial situations where years of story and conditioned thinking can stop you from tapping into the love that you inherently want to have for the other person. You can choose love regardless of someone else's actions and take full emotional responsibility for the thoughts and feelings you create. I dare you to see what happens when you try this.
And imagine what you start creating in other areas of your life when you're feeling more love and less angst. The ripple effect is powerful. And over time, the ripples become currents. It's amazing.
THIS ALSO APPLIES TO YOU
It's possible to love yourself unconditionally. To make a decision that nothing you do or don't do, have or don't have, weigh or look like, achieve or don't achieve, means anything about how much you love yourself.
It's a decision that's available to you at any time. And one that you'll most probably have to keep practising to become second-nature. When I notice sneaky thoughts linking my lovability and self-worth with external things, I remind myself that I love myself no matter what, without condition.
When I love myself no matter what, I show up in a way that is so much more calm, open-minded, generous, respectful, graceful, and compassionate. I keep moving forwards. And when that's on the table, everything benefits and I find it challenging to choose otherwise.
APPLICATION
Ask yourself the question "what would love do?" when someone has done something that you find jarring or uncomfortable. See what your brain offers you.
Think of a person you find hard to love sometimes and write a list of why it's hard for you to love them more.
Imagine what it would be like to love them unconditionally.
What would that look like? What would you have to stop thinking? What would you have to start thinking?
Why would you choose to do this?
If you want some help with this, you can book one of my free 20 minute mini sessions here.
---
See you soon my beautiful friends.
Sally x
SUNDAY SERVING 19.06.22
MANUALS
I’ve been developing my SWC Masterclass (coming in Sept - so excited) and something was missing. I had covered weight loss, over-drinking, buffering, goal setting, getting stuff done. And I realised I didn’t have the thing that had changed so much for me. Relationships. So now there’s a whole section on that, phew! Here's a taster of it.
This work on manuals, boundaries and unconditional love (next week) has been so powerful in improving my relationships with my husband, my children, family and friends. It’s made me aware of my thinking and where I’m getting stuck, and how I’m the only one creating my experience - and often, my own suffering.
When I started to take full responsibility for my emotions and the quality of my relationships, the ball was back in my court. I get to decide how I want to play. I feel nimble and adaptive. And there’s nothing I can’t do.
So, let’s do this!
WHAT’S A MANUAL?
Manuals are the guides we have in our head for how someone else should behave. They don't generally serve us or the other person. We have them so that we can feel better and in control. We don’t tend to write these out and distribute them to the people they’re about! Generally, the other person doesn’t know they exist and we then get incredibly upset and disappointed when they don’t behave as we want them to.
Manuals tend to start with should or shouldn’t. He shouldn't say this and he should do this etc. You’ll get to explore this more later.
But the truth is, everyone is responsible for meeting their own needs. As I touched on last week, living in emotional adulthood is about taking full responsibility for all of our feelings and the experience we create for ourselves.
THE PROBLEM WITH MANUALS
If you feel responsible for fulfilling someone else’s needs and they feel the same for you, you'll live in this constant dance of trying to manipulate and control each other. You give all of your power away to the other person and vice versa. You’re essentially saying that if they do (or don’t do) something, it will “make you feel” a certain way.
But nothing "makes us" feel anything. We decide what we think about something and that creates our feelings. We get to feel however we like. It doesn't mean we will always choose to feel great about something. Sometimes, you'll want to feel sad or angry. But it's about having power, control and intention over those emotions.
When you have manuals (bound and laminated in your head!), you have no agency over your results because they’re essentially in the hands of someone else.
And it’s not fun being in a relationship with someone who is very sensitive or needy. Or in a relationship where it feels like a constant battle of trying to control the other person’s actions (and vice versa). We aren’t designed to work that way.
But if both people are responsible for their own happiness (and every other feeling), you can meet somewhere in the middle. You get to create something together that you're mutually on board with. It feels so much better that way. So much less angst!
WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A MANUAL...
You get to meet the other person exactly where they are. You aren’t expecting them to be any other way. You're respecting their experience. You're valuing their perspectives. There is so much opportunity in that alone.
I find it interesting to think about how the manuals we have are often for the people that we love the most. I noticed I had so many manuals that meant I kept looking for evidence of how the other person was wrong and how they were "making me feel". I felt powerless to their actions, as well as to my feelings and the experiences I had. My judgement felt overpowering -- heavy and self-righteous. I was missing the "good" stuff and unknowingly looking for the "bad". I was letting compassion and potential pass me by because I felt powerless and passive to what I could experience.
When I started this work, I realised that my manuals weren’t letting the people I love the most (and love me the most) be exactly who they are. I was lumbering them with my "happiness" as well as their own. It was no fun. When I thought about it intentionally, it wasn't how I wanted to show up in my relationships.
HOW TO LET MANUALS GO
The best way to do this is to start with yourself - thinking intentionally about how you want to show up in your relationship knowing that you're responsible for your own feelings. Write it down.
Some ideas for when someone acts in a way that you don't "like" or understand:
I will ask myself honest questions about why I don't like it and what I'm making it mean about "us". I will question if any of that is true and ask myself "why am I choosing to think this?".
I will not make it mean anything about how much they love me.
I will not snap or cut them off.
I will meet them where they are & be willing to see it from their perspective.
I will take full responsibility for my emotions and not expect the other person to make me feel a certain way.
I will not expect them to change so that I can feel better.
I will remind myself that I don’t want to control another person to make myself feel better.
I will ask myself how this is "right" for us?
I will ask myself "what would love do?"
This takes commitment and work but try to lean into curiosity to see what happens when you think about how you want to show up. The work can start and end with you. We get to live into true emotional responsibility, where the other person doesn’t have to change or do a single thing differently. See what happens - I promise you’ll like it there :)
To be absolutely clear, this certainly doesn’t mean you stay in toxic relationships. This doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries and discuss expectations within your relationships (which I'll tell you all about next week). Of course I'm not saying that. This work is speaking to functioning relationships that are getting stuck in the same old weeds - every week, month, year. And it's looking at what you can do to make things better.
It means you get to decide what your relationships feel like through the quality of your thoughts, not what the other person is or isn’t doing. It ultimately means you get to create the success of your relationship. It's so empowering! So much less blame, so much more accountability. Fewer arguments and less frustration, more freedom and mutual respect to be who you are. Amazing.
It’s not always easy and it won't be linear, but it allows us to feel the full breadth of human emotion (both positive and negative) without thinking anyone else is in control of it. If we have the power to create our feelings, we then get to think:
what do I want to feel?
How else could I think about this that creates a feeling that benefits me?
Why am I choosing to suffer when I could be in neutrality or even love with the situation?
How do I want to show up?
When we release the rules and expectations, we actually start to listen and hear the other person. Things change for the better. We start understanding their perspective without blurring it with our own. We let them be exactly who they are without trying to control them. We loosen the reins, we relax our grip. We see all the things that are "right" and less of what’s "wrong". We set our egos aside and we get to work. It feels better — as long as you’re willing to take ownership of your feelings.
Imagine what might happen as a result of not feeling disappointed, angry or sad about the relationships in your life.
Imagine what you might do (and not do) when you’re totally in control of your feelings and not placing so much expectation on the other person to make you feel a certain way.
Imagine what might change when you feel empowered to take control of your experience.
Imagine what it would be like to meet the people you most love exactly where they are and allow them to be exactly who they authentically are.
Because you know that happens when you do that? YOU become the person that you most authentically are. And what happens then? Just imagine the possibilities.
APPLICATION
Here are some questions to uncover the manuals you have in your life. I recommend taking pen to paper for as many people as you want. See what comes up, and email or DM if you have any questions! I'd love to help.
Think of a person you want to change.
List all the things you think they should/ shouldn’t do.
Why you want them to behave in this way?
How do you think you would feel if they acted this way?
How would your thoughts about them change if they behaved this way? If so, what to?
Do you want them to behave this way even if they don’t want to? Why or why not?
What do you make it mean when they don’t behave this way?
When someone wants you to behave in a certain way to make them feel good, what is that like for you?
If you go to your answer for number 5, ask yourself if you can think those things about this person without them having to do what’s on your list? If yes, bingo! You don’t have to change someone else to feel better. Amazing. If not, let’s coach! ;)
There will be more be more on this next week with boundaries and unconditional love.
Let's maximise the relationships we have now. They're there for the taking.
SUNDAY SERVING
12.06.22
EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY
TAKING YOUR POWER BACK
Everything I'll share with you in this newsletter series is based on the think > feel > act cycle. This means that it’s what we think about the fact that creates our feelings and emotions, and it’s those feelings that drive the actions we take (or don’t take). It's these actions and inactions which ultimately create the results we have in our lives.
What many of us do (ten gold stars if you don’t), and including myself for 35 years, is directly link our feelings with the fact. So, someone in your life says something to you - your boss, partner, parent etc - and you say "that made me feel…" or "you’re making me feel…". Or you take an event or fact, like stepping on the scales and saying that number "makes me feel" shame/ happiness/ pride (insert feeling of choice here).
What happens when we do this is that we’re giving our power away to something or someone else. When we’re in emotional childhood, we’re saying that we have no ability to control how we feel and are at the constant affect of the things around us - whether it's words that someone has said or numbers on the scale. Everything happens 'to' us. And ironically, we’re often giving our power to the people or situations that we’re most angry or upset with. Annoying!
From this place, we’re always trying to control the situation to avoid future discomfort. We try to control what other people do (never fun, rarely successful). We try to set the "perfect" scene so that we feel better and when that doesn’t work (because it never will) we get incredibly upset and give even more of our power away in the ensuing behaviour.
AN EXAMPLE -
Facts: husband didn’t buy me a present for our anniversary
Feeling: sad
Actions: cry
So first, we want to see that there's actually a thought about the fact that then creates a full thought model:
Facts: husband didn’t buy me a present for our anniversary
Thought: he doesn’t love me
Feeling: sad
Actions: cry, think of all the other ways he doesn’t show me love, think of all the other times a present wasn’t perfect, ruminate and think I must not be worthy of love, distance myself from him, question the strength of our relationship, blame him.
Result: I create more evidence that he doesn’t love me.
Seeing it laid out like this, I can see how it's my thought about the fact that's causing my sadness. I can also acknowledge that that way I'm thinking about it is unknowingly handing over my power to something else. I'm giving away my emotions to my husband. And rationally, of course I don't want to do that!
When we place blame on other people or our circumstances, we act as if we have no other choice. It’s like when I used to overeat. I would blame my husband for having bought the food and having it in the house in the first place — as if I was powerless and the food miraculously would find its way into my mouth!
What I want to offer you today is that living in emotional adulthood is always possible. It means:
Taking responsibility for your pain, but also your joy.
Not expecting other people to “make” us happy.
Not expecting other people to “make” us feel anything!
Understanding that we’re the only ones who create our feelings and that we do that with our thoughts.
This isn’t a particularly easy process. It will feel better (at first) to blame others rather than take full accountability of your experience. But in doing this, your world will open up. When you're living in full belief that you create your emotional experience (and therefore the actions you take and the results you have) you get to live with so much more intention and power. You can create whatever you want.
I’ve noticed that I’m much more able to cope in challenging situations. I used to cry very easily and it felt totally out of my control. But I cry much less now. I’m able to notice what thought is creating the feeling that might lead to crying and then I’m able to reframe it - very quickly - very powerfully. I'm also generally happier because I'm not choosing to make facts mean pretty rubbish things about myself! I’m intentional and I’m not putting how I feel into someone or something else’s hands. I’m keeping my power.
How you feel is a choice that you're totally responsible for. You get to create it. It takes dedication and practise, and the deep desire to want to be in the driving seat of the life that you’re creating and ultimately, your full life experience.
This process won’t be linear. Even if you take actions that you regret. Even if you cry when you didn’t want to. Even if you blame your boss for how you feel. Emotional responsibility is then choosing to apologise and/ or take accountability for the feeling you experienced, even after the fact. It’s a humbleness, a vulnerability, and a willingness to be in an open dialogue with yourself.
When you start to notice that how you feel doesn't seem in your control. Something feels as though it’s taking over your body without you having given it the green light. Or you’re directly blaming someone or something else for how you feel. Take a minute.
Breathe into it.
And ask yourself - from a place of total self-love and empowerment:
Hey love, what are you feeling? What is the fact of the situation? What is the problem with the fact? What are you making it mean about you? Why are you choosing to think that? Do you really believe that to be true? Are you taking responsibility for your emotions or are you giving them away to the person or situation in front of you?
If you get to create your feeling about this situation, what do you want it to be in this moment? What do you want to believe? What would you need to think to feel that?
Watch what actions you take (and don’t take) from there. It’s like being a bouncer at the club. The feeling gets to the door, you get to decide whether to let it in.
APPLICATION: FOOD & ALCOHOL
Whether it’s a new diet plan or the food/ alcohol existing on a menu or in your fridge, notice when you’re giving those things power over you. Notice when you’re thinking they’re stronger than you or will make something better.
As a first port of call, we need to rewire our desire for many things - high sugar/ refined foods and alcohol create an overpowering dopamine reaction that can be difficult to overcome. I like to think about it like a Las Vegas casino. All the lights are on. It’s playing on all of your weaknesses and you know it.
Sometimes we just have to cut that reward loop - take your brain from casino mode to a chic sitting room with some Diptyque candles burning :) When we’ve reset and rewired, our brain becomes more like a dimmer switch - we’re able to turn it up and down, and are totally in control. We’re able to watch and observe without things feeling overpowered, and we’re able to intentionally consume things from a place that feels controlled.
I encourage clients to initially take a break from sugar/ flour/ alcohol (pick one, pick all - your choice!) for two weeks. After that, you intentionally decide the relationship you want to have with those things and fine tune it over time so that it works for you like that dimmer switch I was talking about.
Food and alcohol never finds its way into your mouth - you aren't powerless to it. You always get to decide what you’re making it mean or what you want to do. If you’re thinking that chocolate equals joy and you keep rewarding that loop with something that releases inordinate amounts of dopamine, it will be an uphill battle. It will all feel very true and real - and hard. It will feel as though the chocolate is more powerful than you even though it’s not *and* you will live in full belief that it creates actual joy for you.
Planning what you’re going to eat and drink ahead of time really helps the brain reset and get practise in seeing that you’re always in control of what you're consuming. I really encourage you to do this - it's fundamental.
Please message me if you have any questions about it - I’d love to help.
BUY OF THE WEEK
I eat a salad for lunch almost every day. I've perfected the ingredients so that I get all the right fuel for my body. I rotate the protein, get plenty of fibre through a variety of vegetables (lettuce, celery, chicory, artichoke, beetroot, tomatoes, olives etc) and I drizzle with extra virgin olive oil and cider vinegar. It’s delish! I’ve loved salads since I was a young girl, I love eating a bit of raw food every day, and I love the constraint (some might say monotony) of my lunch. It makes my life so much easier and I can get on with other things.
I’m pleased to say I found the perfect olive oil bottle for the perfect drizzle/ pour consistency! I'll be sending a press release about this shortly ;)
Trendglas is the way. They have them at David Mellor and on Amazon. I’d get the biggest size you can find.
Equally, this Conran one looks pretty perfect too.